the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
