Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
