How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
