It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
