I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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