The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Vodka?
Forever.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
