My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
