Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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