I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's the barista slut.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
