I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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