Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
