in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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