Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The uberlube is also flammable
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
