I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
