haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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