The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
