What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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