Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
