Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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