woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
