So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
please don't ironically join a cult
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