Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
