Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize