I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
