I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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