i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
