why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize