I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
