you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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