God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
