I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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