Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
