you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
