wrigley field is MILF paradise
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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