oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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