So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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