remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
