we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
