well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
pray to the hookup gods
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize