I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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