I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
