I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
