quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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