Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
