By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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