She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
