i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
