And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
