My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
pray to the hookup gods
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
