I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
