I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
