I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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