I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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