fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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