So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
