Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize