Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
